You Think I'm Nuts, Wait Until I Become My Mother

The Third Option family recently returned from a beach vacation. It was the five of us, my parents, and my aunt and uncle. What could go wrong when two parents drive 10 hours, through the night, with three kids under four years old in order to spend a week at the ocean? Plenty. What actually went wrong? Nothing. You read that correctly. I couldn't believe it either. Each one of my children was an absolute angel. My parents, on the other hand, were begging for the time-out stool.

Check-in at our rental house was at 4pm on Sunday. We wanted to do as much of the drive as possible while the children were sleeping. Unfortunately, if we left our house at 8pm, the absolute latest we could arrive would be at 8am. And that would happen only if we stopped 12 times and sat in traffic for 3 hours. Basically, we were going to get in at the crack of dawn and have no where to go. I explained this dilemma to my mom and she said, "We are staying about an hour away from the beach house on Saturday night. Why don't you meet us there? You and the Husband can get a few hours of sleep while Pop Pop and I entertain the kids."

"You will have another hour of driving to do on Sunday?"

"Yes, we always do that."

"But aren't you leaving on Friday?"

"Yes, we always do that."

"It takes you guys THREE DAYS to drive 10 hours?"

She rolled her eyes. "Your father..."

We arrived at their hotel at 5am. We had been driving since 7pm the day before and were loopy-tired. Somehow, we managed to get all of our, surprisingly chipper, children out of the car and to the hotel entrance. We steped up to the automatic doors. Nothing happened. Ever the compulsive reader, I heard Eldest say, "For your protection, these doors are locked from 10pm..." Crap. Husband and I looked at each other helplessly. A solution was way beyond our mental capacity at that moment. Then, I noticed movement inside. Oh thank god! My mom was waiting for us, watching the lobby doors from the balcony. I waved to indicate that she should come down. She merrily waved back. "Helloooooo!" Double crap. How does one mime opening an automatic door? I pointed to the door. "The. Door. Is. Locked." "What?" she yells back. The boys pounded on the doors. "Let us in!" Oh, I should have thought of that.

After a nap for the Husband and I, and some swimming for the kids, we decide to get some lunch before we finished up the drive. My dad suggested Ruby Tuesday. "We went there last night. It is just across the street." We agreed to take our separate cars and meet at the restaurant. It took us 10 minutes of arranging, rearranging, locating sippy cups, and yelling empty threats, but we finally got all the kids loaded up. The Husband exited the hotel parking lot, located the Ruby Tuesday across the street, and pulled in. But where were my parents? They shoud have arrived long before we did.

"Where are Gummy and Pop Pop?" Eldest asked. "They're gone!" moaned Red. Baby Girl, always calm in a crisis, continued to nap. I pulled out my cell phone and called my wayward parents.

"Where ARE you?" I ask.

"We are just pulling in. We got lost," my mom answers.

"Lost? You ate at Ruby Tuesday last night. And you can see it from the hotel."

I could hear my dad in the background say, "I forgot what road we drove in on," as if that explained everything.

"But you can SEE it from the hotel," I repeated.

"We went to all the other corners, but this one," my mom said.

"BUT YOU CAN SEE IT FROM THE HOTEL!"

"Your father..."

Not even 24 hours later, I was sitting at the dinning table in the beach house, enjoy the view, and trying to reach my critical caffeine level...

Pop Pop: Remember that bird statue we were looking at yesterday? It's gone.

Gummy: They took it down?!

Pop Pop: It must have been a real bird.

Gummy: What?! No. I can't believe someone came and took it down. Weird. I'm gonna put the baby down for a nap. You want her on her back or her stomach?

Me: Back.

My mom walked out of the room and my Aunt De walked in.

De: I found this calender online with lots of great stuff to do with the kids, but I can't find it again.

Pop Pop: I'll look for it.

De: I read something about a storytime under a tree...

My mom walks back into the room and says, "Oops, I forgot. She's on her stomach. Oh well, she can roll over."

Me: But you just...never mind.

De: I was just saying that I want to find that calendar...

Gummy: It's in the fridge.

De: What?!

Gummy: I put lettuce in it.

De: What?!

Me: Mom, she said "calendar."

Gummy: Oh. I don't know where that is.

Pop Pop: Well, look at that.

De: Did you find the calendar?

Pop Pop: Huh? No. I found fruit trees.

Gummy: Your father...

Then something terrible happened. First, I had a discussion with my mom about whether or not I had showered that day. With the overnight driving and whatnot, I wasn't sure when the shower-for-the-day cutoff should be. The fact that I was able to keep up a coversation about this for 10 minutes should have been my first clue. But when my mom suggested that I shower twice to be sure and I THOUGHT THAT MADE SENSE, I had a terrible realization. Oh my god, I am becoming my mother. ***shudder***

Now please excuse me, I have to go practice blaming everying on my father.