Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Where Have All the Blog Posts Gone?

Holy schnikes! It has been approximately forever, give or take a couple of days, since my last blog post. What the heck have I been doing? I had no idea, so I thought I would keep track for a day. I got half way through the day and was too overwhelmed to continue. However, I now have a good answer to the question often posed to moms who stay at home by people without children: "What do you DO all day?!"

5:12am: Dog scratches at Red’s door. Leap out of bed. Pray that Red stays asleep while shuffling quietly across the floor at top speed. Whisper yell at the dog to go downstairs. See Eldest is awake and staring at his clock. “Mommy!” He asks if it is time to get up. “Not until six o'clock. That’s the rule.”

5:30am: Alarm goes off. Mommy’s time before the chaos begins.

5:43am: Coffee cup is on the way to my lips…

5:43:01am: <Thunder> Red yelps. Eldest leaps out of bed. “I’m coming Red!” Cross fingers that they are not going to come charging down the stairs. So much for “Mommy Time.” Boys arrive in noisy swirl of demands. Take Red to potty and then try to sit down. Nuke Eldest pancakes and then try to sit down. Red wants to snuggle on couch, but Eldest wants book found. Fight ensues.

6:14am: Hide in the kitchen.

6:15am: Baby Girl wakes up. Feed Baby Girl. Clean up Baby Girl. Clean splash zone five feet around Baby Girl. Change Baby Girl. Turn on dancing monkey mobile. Baby Girl giggles. Back away slowly. Baby Girl cries. Step closer to Baby Girl. Baby Girl smiles. Sigh. Pick Baby Girl up. Repeat.

7:00am: Accept that Baby Girl is going to cry. Take Eldest to bathroom to brush teeth, comb hair, wash face.

7:05am: Pick up Baby Girl and wrestle into coat. Walk out door. Remember own shoes and coat. Walk back inside. Put Baby Girl down. Baby Girl cries. Shoes and coat half on. Good enough. Pick Baby Girl up. Red notices everyone is going outside without him. Red cries. Red runs to find shoes. Red cries. Locate Red’s shoes. Red tries to put shoes on. Red cries. Help Red put on shoes. Red cries. No idea why. Usher everyone outside.
7:12am: Bus arrives. Have repeated, “No, the bus is not here yet” approximately 152 times. Have odd sensation of relief with “only” two children.

7:15am: Ignore crying to be held and request to play trains. Make oatmeal. Have weak moment and eat cookie while waiting for oatmeal to cook. Decide cookie was really good. Eat another cookie. Eat oatmeal. Feel disappointed it does not taste like cookies.

7:30am: Baby Girl looks tired. Put back down into crib and pray she will take a nap. Baby Girl cries. Pretend Baby Girl is singing herself to sleep.

7:35am: Baby Girl is quiet. Race upstairs to get dressed. Try on 27 pairs of pants. Curse postpartum body. Wonder where so many pants came from. Brush teeth. Tell Red to speak quietly. Wash face. Tell Red he is going to wake up sister. Dry face. Help Red find a train. Ask Red to go downstairs so that mommy can get ready. Cringe as Red pounds down the stairs.

7:50am: Red hollers up the stairs. Baby Girl wakes up. Make mental note to Google “remove voice box from preschooler.” Grab two sets of clothes for Red. Retrieve Baby Girl from crib. Offer Red clothing choice. Red cries that he does not want to get dressed. Drag Lead Red to bathroom. Realize still have baby in arms. Return to living room. Put baby down in jumparoo. Baby Girl cries. Put Red on toilet. Pick up Baby Girl. Put her in Bumbo seat with basket of toys to play with.

7:55am: Baby Girl cries. Offer Red shirt A or shirt B. Red picks shirt A. Remove pajama top and pick up shirt A. Red cries he wants shirt B. Sigh. Put down shirt A. Pick up shirt B. Red cries he wants shirt A. Decide offering choice is stupid parenting suggestion probably offered up by childless "expert." Put clothes on Red while he cries.

8:15am: Baby Girl cries. Red miraculously brushes teeth thoroughly and without tears. Brush Red’s hair. Try to wash Red’s face with a washcloth. Red squirms. Put Red in headlock and scrub face. Red cries. Apologize and tell Red to put shoes on.

8:25am: Baby Girl cries. Gather own hair into ponytail. Red cries he needs help with shoes. Drop hair and help Red. Pick up Baby Girl. Baby Girl smiles and grabs hair. Put Baby Girl into carseat.  Unwrap sticky baby fingers from hair. Ouch. Must not have gotten all of the hair out of Baby Girl’s fingers. Baby Girl cries. Tell Red to put on jacket. Red cries that he does not want to wear a jacket. Chase after Red while trying to explain why he needs to wear jacket. Get Red’s arm into sleeve. Grab other jacket sleeve and realize jacket is empty. Hear laughter from other room. Give Red choice to wear jacket or spend morning in his room. Red slumps shoulders, but stays still enough to put on jacket.

8:35am: Gather diaper bag, school bag, purse, and keys with one arm and grab baby carrier with other arm. Deny Red’s request to be carried while using baby carrier to "encourage" Red toward door. Perform juggling feat to open door. Ask Red to please move out of the way of the door. Red moves 5 micrometers. Ask Red, again, to please move out of the way. Red moves 3 nanometers. Yell at Red to move it. Red cries. Sigh, step over crying child, continue to car. Red cries. Load baby and gear into car. Red cries. Return, pick up Red, immobilize him with carseat belts, and get behind the wheel.

8:45am: Baby Girl cries about being in carseat. Red cries because jacket hood is “munchy.” Explain that the drive to school is very short. Red and Baby Girl cry anyway. Notice drive does not feel short with two screaming children along.

8:48am: Arrive at school. Ask Red to hold his school bag. Red cries that it is too heavy. Free Baby Girl from carseat. She smiles. Take two steps. Tell Red to “come on.” Take three steps. Turn around to look for Red. “Come on.” Take three steps. Turn around to look for Red. Trip over Red while looking in wrong direction for Red. “Come on.”

8:50am: Join line of parents, preschoolers, and siblings trickling through school doors. Step inside first door. Red drops school bag and begins to strip off jacket. Another preschooler steps around Red. Preschooler’s sibling trips over Red’s bag. Yell at Red. “Come on!” Red tosses coat in general direction of mom and runs down stairs. Bend down to pick up jacket. “Excuse me. Sorry. Wait for Mommy, Red! Ouch. Sorry. Red!” Trail Red through three more sets of doors. Red finds friend and immediately begins to wrestle. “Easy, Red. Gentle. Don’t stand on that. Sit down. You are going to fall. Too rough!”

9:00am: “Oh look, there’s your teacher!”

9:01am: Feel lighter with “only” one child. Struggle back outside through four sets of doors. Fantasize about switching to preschool with “drop off.” Buckle Baby Girl in carseat. Baby Girl cries. Drive to grocery store. Baby Girl cries.

9:15am: Arrive at store. Realize Baby Girl is hungry. Retrieve baby bottle with 6oz water. Notice formula container is filled with powder for 8oz bottle. Curse. Add “most” of formula powder to bottle. Hope ratio is close enough. Lug carseat to cart corral and heave into cart. Give bottle to Baby Girl. Silence. Shop pleasantly.

9:25am: Baby Girl finishes bottle. Cries. Remove baby from carseat. Continue shopping with approximately 20lbs of dead weight. Remove package from Baby Girl’s hands. Replace on shelf. Re-shelf items Baby Girl knocked off shelves. Repeat.

10:15am: Perform weighted squats, bends, and lifts in order to transfer groceries from cart to belt while holding Baby Girl. Finally give up and buckle Baby Girl into her carseat. Baby Girl cries. Pretend Baby Girl is teaching herself to yodel and wonder why cashier looks pained. Begin to bag scanned groceries. Marvel that items sorted carefully on belt prior to scanning are arriving in the bagging area out of order. Push screaming baby out of store.

10:20am: Sprint to car in pouring rain. Load Baby Girl and groceries into car. Close doors. Notice ears are ringing with the silence. Return cart, consider breaking into a sprint out of the parking lot, decide against it, climb into car.

10:23am: Baby Girl falls asleep.

10:30am: Hurry inside while lugging sleeping baby in carrier. Manage not to fall and break head. Unload groceries while fantasizing about attached garage. Put groceries away.

10:40am: Realize have five minutes before leaving to pick up Red. Page through magazine and use restroom alone. Bliss.

10:45am: Lug sleeping baby and carrier through rain and back into car. Baby Girl cries.

10:48am: Repeat process of lugging carrier through four sets of doors to wait for Red.

10:55am: Pop into classroom early in order to pick Red up with enough time to meet Eldest at bus. Herd Red through four sets of doors, through parking lot, and into car.

11:02am: Late! Worry that Eldest’s bus will be parked in front of house. Feel relief when it is not. Examine contents of Red’s school folder. Read note stating Red needs to learn to recognize name. Sigh. Are pretty sure Red knows how to recognize name, but chooses not to. Sigh again. Wonder where Eldest’s bus is.

11:20am: Call bus garage. No one was home when bus pulled up. Eldest stayed on bus and must be picked up at the school. Groan. Call my mom. Explain will be late to lunch date. Worry about how angry Eldest will be.

11:30am: Drag Red and Baby Girl into kindergarten office to wait for Eldest. Red starts game of “guess what animal I am” with students in office, but does not tell other children. “Why is your son hissing?” Explain to Red that he needs to let other children know he is playing a game. Spend next 13 minutes suggesting animals for game.

11:45am: Buses arrive. Shuffle everyone outside to find Eldest. Apologize profusely to Eldest and bus driver. Breathe sigh of relief that Eldest does not seem angry. Eldest and Red argue over who gets to tell me about their day first. Decide not to point out that Red already had 45 minutes to tell me about his day. Let them work it out. Drive to my mom's...

At this point in my note taking, I realized that it was not even noon yet. No wonder I have no energy left over for writing. Mommy clearly needs a break and I have a plan. While Red and Baby Girl nap I am going to go hide in the bathroom. Eldest may yell a few questions through the door, but he won't come in for fear that he will get sick and have to miss school. It is the perfect plan. I'll be writing again in no time!



Teri Biebel said...

Jeez Louise! I need a nap after reading about 6 hours of your day. I do, however, LOVE how you rationalize that baby girl is teaching herself to yodel and sing to herself. That's epic!!

Nice to see you blogging again. Hope we get another one before the kids go trick or treating!


Juliane said...

You are such a talented writer, but I was having a panic attack before I got to 8:35. To note, your blog is the perfect birth control!

There Must Be A Third Option said...

Thank you so much. Being walking birth control is the highest honor I could hope for! :) Thanks for reading.