School Shmool: Tales of an Epic Preschool Fail

I have a little story to share with you. Once upon a time, there was a little boy. Because of the vibrant color of his hair, he was called Red. Red liked to run and jump. He liked to race and holler. Red did not like to sit or wait. He did not like to be told what to do. Red especially did not like to be told to sit and wait.

One day Red’s mother took him to a place called preschool. Red recognized the place! He remembered running down the halls chasing after his friend. Red and his friend used to tell each other jokes and laugh and laugh. Sometimes the teacher would separate them, but that was okay. They had so much fun!

Red waited excitedly for his friend to arrive. He was getting impatient. Where was he? Before Red caught sight of his friend, the teacher called him to the classroom. He lined up behind the other children, confident his friend would arrive soon. Finally, Red saw his friend, but he was walking into another classroom!

His friend was being silly, Red thought, pretending like he did not know where he was going. Red tugged on his mother’s sleeve to share the joke. Then Red was confused. His mommy was telling him that his friend was assigned to a different classroom. She must be in on the joke, he thought. But, no, her face looked very serious.

Red was not happy about this. He was not happy at all. Red decided that he felt grumpy about going to school and he told his mother so. He grumpily ignored her as she said encouraging things.  He tried to pull his mommy back out to the car, but she sternly told him to knock it off. Red stopped pulling, but he decided to add being scolded to the list of things he felt grumpy about.  He grumpily washed his hands, grumpily dried them, and then made his way to his spot on the rug, grumpily.

The grumpiness did not last long. Red is generally a happy and confident little boy and most bad moods pass quickly. True to his nature, he was soon making the best of the situation and the majority of the preschool day passed pleasantly enough in a blur of blocks, stories, and songs.

Red was right in the middle of building a sweet Lego creation when his teacher announced it was time for a snack. He felt so excited about snack time that he almost did not mind abandoning his partly-finished Space Trooper Scooter Mobile…almost. Then the unthinkable happened. His teacher told the class that, before the snacks would be passed out, everyone must find their seat on the rug and wait quietly to be called to the snack tables.

What?!

Red was outraged. More sitting? More waiting? Red did not like to sit. He did not like to wait. Red especially did not like to be told to sit and wait.

What did Red do? Did he yell? Did he ignore the teacher and continue to build with Lego?

No.

Red went to his space on the carpet. Red sat quietly. He communicated his displeasure with the situation peacefully, but communicate his displeasure he surely did.

Red shat his pants.

Red said “I shit on your quiet-on-the-carpet-time” in the best way he knew how—by literally shitting on the carpet. Quietly.

Unfortunately, this little story is no fairytale. It is true. And it happened to me. Red is the fruit of my womb. Yay me.

We have since removed Red from preschool. The Husband and I decided that Red could use a little time to mature to a level where he can more appropriately handle the “rigors” of four-year-old preschool curriculum. So Red gets a gap year. The hope is that, when he returns to preschool next year, he will have found a way to express his frustration that does not involve feces. If not, we are going to have to look into schooling options where it is considered “normal” to communicate with poo. Possibly the primate center at the zoo. I wonder if they have a football team?