Monday, July 30, 2012

My Week, In Redness and Swelling

Have you ever have a day where you want to lovingly place a hand on the back of each of your baby boy’s precious heads and thunk their two melons together in hopes that it will stun them into silence just for a few moments? Well, I had an entire week of those days. And then everything really went to H-E double hockey sticks in a hand basket (whatever that is). Each and every one of my three children developed a large, red, swollen area on his/her body within one 24 hour period of time. First up: Baby Girl.

Baby Girl had her 4 month well child visit. The nurse was asking the usual list of questions about medications, allergies, and such. I was only half paying attention. Baby Girl had stripped down and was partying in her diaper. I was dancing her around the exam room trying to convince her that going to the doctor is FUN!

Nurse: “Same address?”
Me:“Yes. Who is that pretty girl in the mirror?”

Baby Girl: “Ahhhhh!”
Nurse: “Insurance information?”

Me: “You are! You are! Huh? Oh, yeah, insurance is the same.”
Baby Girl: “Gurgle, gurgle.”

Nurse: “Allergies to medications?”
Me: “Nope. We no have no awergies. Do we? No. We. Don’t. Nowedon’t.”

Baby Girl: “Heh, heheh.” (She laughs like Beavus. Or is it Butthead?)
Nurse: “Any—“

Me: “Wait. Her leg did swell up after she got her shots last time. Does that count?
Baby Girl: “Ack!”

Nurse: “I would say so. Especially, since she is getting the same vaccinations today. Do you know which vaccine caused the reaction?”
Me: “Pah! Um, how would I know?”

Nurse: “Do you remember which leg it was? We usually give the vaccines in the same place each time.
Me:  It was in…this leg. I think. I DID call the office when it happened. Do you think she noted which leg it was?”

Nurse: “Lets see…’Hysterical mother called to report softball-sized swelling around injection site.’”
Me: “What? I was so not even close to hysterical.”

Nurse: “Idiot didn’t notice until diaper change 2 hours later.”
Me: “That was because my baby exhausted herself crying and totally passed out.”

Nurse: “Crazy woman said swelling was gone by end of call. Why did she bother us on a Friday afternoon?”
Me: “Because I was on hold so long!”

(Okay, okay. I embellished some of that.)
Nurse: “I don’t see anything about which leg had the swelling. We will keep her for a little while after she receives the vaccinations and monitor her for a reaction.”

Baby Girl got her shots, the nurse left, and then we waited…about 6 seconds.
I poked my head out the door, “Excuse me?! It’s happening! Her leg is swelling!”

Turns out, a cold compress and some ibuprofen do the trick. Really? We couldn’t just go ahead with all of that and avoid the theatrics? Jeez.

Meanwhile, back at the homestead, the dudes were playing in the front yard with Husband.  Eldest was quietly playing with Matchbox cars. Red was lying on the ground peering into a hornet nest. Husband freaked out when he noticed millions of hornets (okay, maybe ten) flying around all of that sensitive, redhead skin.

Husband: “Get away from there! Get up! GO!”
Red: “Huh?” He looks up from the hole, lazily.

Husband: “You have your face in a hornet nest! You are going to get stung!”
Red: “Hornet nest?” He sits up and looks around. “Where?”

Eldest: “Hey guys, what’s going—OUCH!”
Red, the freakin’ hornet whisperer, had his face in a nest and absolutely nothing happened. Poor Eldest was 20 feet away and got stung above his eye. I suggested ice and ibuprofen. (I learned a little something after my experience with Baby Girl). Did they listen to me? No way. Husband put a band aid on it. The next morning Eldest came downstairs.

Red: “What with your eye?”
Eldest: “What do you mean? Mommy, it is kinda itchy.”

Me: “Holy sh—cow! Your eye is swollen shut! How am I going to get the band aid off?”
Red: “Open your eye,” he said as he tried to peel open his brother’s eye.

Eldest: “Ow! Don’t touch my eye. It IS open.”
No, it really wasn’t.

I was trying to monitor Eldest’s eye without drawing attention to the fact that his EYE WAS SWOLLEN SHUT. I was lurking in corners, shooting surreptitious glances towards my Eldest, when I noticed a smell.
Me: “Red, did you poop in your pants again?”

Red: “No.”
Me: “Let me check.”

Red: “No!”
Me: “Fine, but you are going to get a rash.”

Red: “No I’m not.”
I was fed up. Let him sit in his poo if that is what he wanted to do. By the time I changed him, his bits and pieces were bright red. He busted out some jiu-jitsu moves to avoid the diaper cream. I poked at him with a finger full of Desitin a couple of time before I gave up.

“Fine! Let your junk swell up. You’ll match everyone else in this house.”
A couple of hours later, Eldest got stung by another hornet. From now on, no one leaves this house without an ice pack and a dose of Advil.


Teri said...

You are HYSTERICAL!! First of all, I found you on the Blog Hop and I am most definitely following you. You crack me up!!

Second, I say ALL the time that I'm going to sell my kids to the Gypsies and they look at me like I'm insane.

Third, I say you're brave for posting about your hubby. I try to ignore the fact that I'm even MARRIED when I'm either on FB or blogging because he does not get amused at my rantings.

Thank for the laugh. I hope you can check out my blog when you are able.


Marian said...

Your doctor visits sound exactly like the ones I have only I'm trying to get all three of my kids to stop opening every drawer and climbing on all the equipment.

I found you at the TGIF Blog Hop and followed you. Have a good weekend.

There Must Be A Third Option said...

First, great and thanks! Second, if you do find some gypsies, CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY. Third, I bribe the Husband with food to let me write about him. Fourth, thanks for reading and I am heading over to your blog right now.

There Must Be A Third Option said...

Thanks so much for reading! I remember being pregnant with Baby Girl and trying to provide a urine sample with the dudes with me. "Simon Says...DON'T TOUCH THE TOILET!...hop like a bunny. Simon Says, touch your toes. DON'T LICK THE FLOOR!" I got some weird looks when finally came out of the bathroom.